First Times.

When he dreams of her for the first time, he thinks it's exhaustion.

Stims are still pumping through his blood, little ticks of the clock that is still running even if it's been seconds, minutes, hours, hours, hours, since the last 33 minutes passed quietly and peacefully.

He dreams of a house he had never seen before and of her blonde hair, and he swallows his moans guiltily, because it's probably Kara and that is wrong on too many levels.

He dreams of her laughter and realizes it can't be Kara after all, Kara wouldn't laugh so easily, as if she had no care in the world, as if she had no cracked edges.

But her hair is blonde and it's good enough to pretend.

*

When he hears her for the first time, he thinks it's the stress.

It's 33 minutes after Kara's oxygen supply was due to run out and it strikes him as funny, as tragic, as frakked up being recognition. It's 33 minutes and he can't stand any more silence, any more Cally's careful looks, any more gazes turning away when he walks by.

"She'll be back, Lee," he hears and he doesn't know who says it, and supposes he's finally loosing it, but there is a pressure on his shoulder and a gentle touch on his cheek and he thinks that maybe he's really loosing it.

He hears her laughter, so soft in his ear, so warm against his lips and has to lean against a wall, knowing very well people are looking at him. He doesn't care all that much, because he thinks he believes her, he wants to believe her, Lords, he believes her.

She turns out right, and Kara is back, and he still believes her, believes in her.

He still thinks he's loosing it, though.

*

When he meets Shelley Godfrey for the first time he thinks she surely does look familiar, like someone he frakked once.

But it couldn't have been her, so he doesn't pay much attention.

*

When he feels her for the first time, he thinks he really needs to lay down.

For various reasons.

He feels her hand go up his thigh, and he looks suspiciously at Starbuck, but she's too far and he can see her hands. He looks around, searching for Ellen, because he wouldn't put it past her to hide somewhere to torment him, but she's nowhere to be seen.

He tries not to think about the fact that whoever is feeling him up, she's not there either.

He knows his breath is too fast, too short, too everything.

He's sure someone has to notice, but all he gets is a knowing look from Gaius Baltar of all people. Lee thinks the world is really ending if he shares an understanding with that man.

Only after it strikes him of how ridiculous such a phrase was.

*

When he sees her for the first time, he thinks it's a hallucination.

It's in a middle of a briefing and now he knows she's Shelley/girl he frakked/cylon, and she's standing right there, in front of him, and no one does anything.

He thinks of shooting her, but he supposes he would end up shooting someone else and getting accused of being a cylon himself.

"I knew you were smart, Lee," she smiles and he knows that smile, he knows her laugh, he just can't place it... it makes him think of Kara, of Boomer, of a blonde waitress on Picon that wore skirts too short... it makes him think of all kinds of things, mostly about how it would be to frak her... frak her again?

He thinks he knows her, or maybe knew her before?

All of this has happened before.

*

When he frakks her for the first time, he thinks it's a dream.

They are in a house he had seen before and he runs his fingers through her hair and thinks of nothing else but the feel of her body on his, her tongue between his lips, her arms embracing him.

She is perfection and he knows that this is what she was built for.

"Lords, you're like a frakking Aphrodite," he mutters against her skin and she laughs, she laughs.

"I would be, wouldn't I, Apollo?"

She always called him Lee and he can't help but wonder why the change, why now.

"One of the Twelve Lords of Kobol, Apollo," his name is drowned in her moan.

Later, when they lay on the floor she continues, her hand lazily brushing his shoulder. "One of the Twelve, Apollo. Isn't that nice?"

He wakes up and can't tell if it was more of an erotic dream or more of a nightmare.

That is, until Kara teases him about fingernails' marks on his back.

*

When he kills her for the first time, he tries not to think at all.

The airlock opens and they all look as Shelley/Gina/Six/his Aphrodite/she disappears, smile still on her lips and he's not sure whose name she calls.

They all go back to their pseudo-existence and he thinks that maybe he and Baltar are the only one really alive, because she's standing between them and he feels her hand in his.

Who would think that Apollo and Baltar could have so much in common?

Kara. Six. Betrayal.

All of this will happen again.

"So say we all," she mocks and he laughs with her, because it's still a good joke even if it's on him.